I often wonder, in my infinitely connected lifestyle, if I'm missing the boat. This ranges from thoughts on programming languages to social networking to assorted musical tastes. It's not particularly in my nature to seek fashion - perhaps that's why I'm so fashionable? - but just the same I can't help wondering which trends are here to stay and which are soon-to-die fads.

Memes, for instance. I don't participate in them as a rule. I hate them - awful, disgusting creatures - but nonetheless they persist despite my quiet abhorrence. I like to believe, as indeed the whole of man is want, that the world thinks as I do. But in the end I instead find myself convinced repeatedly of my misjudgment.

Twitter gets me riled up for some reason. The concept of having our lives dictated by 140 characters a moment isn't honestly that difficult to conceive. It has a certain grace, like a haiku, if one thinks even momentarily about their postings. Unfortunately that's rarely the case. From the inane, tireless comments of Shaq to the habitually typoed and txtspken rambles of countless members of congress, this seems just another jab at the prior eloquence of the English language in favor of ill-gotten celebrity.

Thus I don't participate in these things. But it feels as if some of these folks get an undue amount of attention based upon their participation. I question if that fleeting fifteen minutes isn't worth the hazard of jumping on a short-lived bandwagon, but instead I perpetually reassure myself that in the end some amount of rationality will come of all this and I'll be left holding in my hands a creation all the greater because I didn't focus on something so trivial.

That said, I'm not sure how many commissions I've invested in this month, nor am I sure how many hours I've spent playing games or typefucking. So what the hell does that leave me?

It's been an age since I've updated here. It's difficult at best to detail the things that have occurred in the last 27(!) weeks, but I'll do my best in a series of cuts.

( Health )
( Love )
( Things n' Stuff )
( Other Happenings )

And that's that!

It's practically every day I check my LJ friends list, and lately it seems likewise I run across a friend who's in some sort of health issue. Often times they also seem to worry a lot like me, panicking at things that hardly merit it.

The Zoloft is basically treating me well. Through the course of the past couple of weeks I've managed to ease myself up to the minimum pill dosage. Every increase in dosage has met with an increase in side effects, ranging from nausea to heavy drowsiness to forgetfulness. But on the upside, I definitely feel far more in control of my panic and anxiety attacks.

It's a strange state of being. Sometimes it feels almost altered, other times calming; a few mood swings here and there have seen me angry or depressed. Work hasn't been very good at distracting me lately, but by the same token I'm not sure how capable I am. I dislike the feeling of being on drugs, but I do recognize they're helping me cope. I'm hoping in the next few weeks I'll feel more stable.

But the meds are, at best, a band-aid. It's really up to me to figure my shit out in the meantime so that when I finally feel ready to back off my dosage I can manage the effects of real life on my psyche. It's hard to look back at how I got here - I'm not even sure that I know how I did - but I feel like, probably for the first time, I'm taking charge of something that has been a hidrence to me my whole life.

Ultimately, this realization is somewhat eclipsed by the fact that many of my physical ailments appear to still be standing.

Just started taking Zoloft, in syrup form. Minimum pill dose is 25mg, I'm taking 5mg. My dose is so small I went to walgreens to find a smaller dropper and when I asked the pharmacist he was like, "That's a really small dose!" So small. The side effects are still present, but minimal. It seems now like the experience I had earlier of feeling as though someone was standing on my chest was a result of some sort of medicine-related stomach upset.

In other news, I seem to have developed a tingling in my wang. You'd figure this would be a good thing, but it's really not. Pins and needs that ebb and flow. It's excruciatingly annoying. Suspicion is right now this is either an infection or an enlarged prostate. The latter's pretty unlikely, but the former might be possible... Research on the net has yielded numerous threads of people who have had this problem and who have either not received a diagnosis or have had a whole slew of different remedies. I'm hoping it's SOMETHING instead of "Live with it for the rest of your life."

I can't get over just how often I've been ill this year. One thing to the next thing to the next thing. The brief periods of non-sickness have been filled with anxiety about the sickness. I really haven't had a break and it's really disaffecting my psyche (hence the anti-anxiety meds). I'm forced to question why my body hates me. Diet? Exercise? Something psychological? Dunno.

Lexapro saw me with some pretty solid side effects with my breathing (strange exhaustion/person standing on my chest feeling; not cool), even on such a low dose. So after three doses I quit it, went through withdrawal, and am now here.

Problem is it seems I can't NOT worry about stuff. The dizziness is still ongoing, but seems to be better. In fact, up until tonight it hadn't been much of an issue at all because I'd been very focused on either my breathing (where my throat feels blocked or constricted for no good reason) or my heart (which I think beats oddly/may have a circulation issue).

It's a mess. And the worst thing is I can't seem to not focus on it, can't let go. It's like... always worrying your roast is burning in the oven, even when you get brief glimpses which tell you it's probably fine, or when you're away from the oven completely. Or even when there's no roast! My emotional state as a result is a wreck, even though on a technical level I've got a lot going. It's making me depressed and it's very difficult to manage.

Talking with the psych and the shrink on Monday and Tuesday respectively. BF's coming up for the week starting Saturday. Maybe that'll all help. Until then I'm a victim to my own whims.

Oh, and for the love of god go play Braid. It's one of the most brilliant pieces of software I've played in the last 10 years. It could just as easily have been made in flash, but I think it feels better for being on the 360.

Alright, so I'm aware this blog is pretty uninteresting lately, but goddamnit it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

The paxil had some heavy side effects. Anything from the poop shoots to the inability to jerk it. After a single dose I decided it wasn't doing me any favors and didn't take another. Then I hit a few mild withdrawal symptoms. On one dose. Absurd.

Dizziness has kept up through the lot. It's been my main enemy these past few weeks, despite the distractions of an eye sore (literally. I mean, I have no idea why, but it came and went) and a somewhat painful swollen lymph node under an armpit. The good news is I saw an ENT, and in her relatively stressed-out-and-technically-not-MD opinion, it wasn't too concerning. She did, however, manage to pull an inch and a half long thing of earwax from my right ear. You can imagine how I felt aftwards (sorry, no pictures - no forethought :(). So it seems as though that helped and the dizziness has been less of an issue the past couple of days.

Saw a psych today who put me on some lexapro. Not only is it a milder drug than paxil, it's a significantly lower dosage (half-pill of the minimum available dose to start). Here's hoping that sees me with more success. Gonna give it a whirl tomorrow morning.

So I panic attacked pretty hard tonight. I think, I hope it was a panic attack. After working out I ended up choking on some spit, and the choking kept up (I usually choke an awful lot for no good reason after the fact). By the time I was heading home, I was freaking out about breathing. When I got home, I was mostly doing alright, calming down, etc... But still focused on my breathing. Finally, my left arm started to get quite tingly which, from what I understand via an EMT (for whatever that's worth), can just be hyperventilation. This was annoying and a bit disconcerting, but I took it in stride and kept focusing on my breathing. I started calming down, watching TV, when the big thing hit. Suddenly I didn't have the ability to breathe any longer; breaths just weren't coming in. Coinciding with that, I could feel my pulse weakening dramatically and my entire body quite suddenly went pins and needles. A moment later, the fear-induced adrenaline kicked in and my pulse was up, my breathing to match.

The tingling didn't stop outright until I took a lorazepam and a dump and calmed down a bit. Pulse and breathing are normal now. I'm naturally fearful it's something more sinister, especially since I've played out this exact situation three, maybe four times now (although the body tingling thing is a bit new). But the fact that the anti-anxiety med really helped cool things off tells me otherwise. If nothing else, tonight's experience shows precisely why I need to be on meds.

1.) Overdue project at work.
2.) The next few big projects at work.
3.) The miscellaneous crap at work.
4.) Long distance relationship.
5.) Personal aspirations unfulfilled.
6.) Any sort of travel, including burning man.
7.) Health issues and their source.
8.) Drugs.
9.) Doctors.

Took a paxil.

Wish me luck.

...

So, I have an anxiety disorder. And having recently talked to my doc about it, I've been prescribed an anti-depressant (paxil). But ultimately I'm fearful that the cure is worse than the disease. These sorts of drugs have a laundry list of side effects, many of which are common. Furthermore, they have a long warm-up time before they're really effective, and a long list of withdrawal symptoms.

I know it's pointless to worry about such things, but... I dunno. I guess I'm looking for the sense that these aren't all that bad; that the real experience of em is ultimately worth the potential pain up front, the hassle through the course of the drug, and the potential misery on the come down. I don't know how drug treatments like this usually last, nor do I know what the effects are afterwards (especially for people with anxiety disorders instead of depression). It seems in a lot of ways like jumping into something without a plan, and that frightens me.

So the Saturday before last I went to Claim Jumper and had a chicken pot pie. I think I was allergic to something in the pie (mushrooms?) but in retrospect I'm not even sure that was the case. Sunday, in an attempt to quell my complaining stomach, I had a burrito at Chipotle.

Monday morning saw dry retches, chills and stomach upset. Awesome. Brought my diet down to liquids, alright, handled. Moved up Tuesday to toast. Stomach got acidic, but with antacid cleared up. Wednesday saw a banana and half a turkey sandwich. Oh, but here's where it went wrong.

Thursday saw a subway sub. Down at least. Friday morning saw it back up, and a trip to the ER. Returning from the ER saw a fever. Consequently, Friday and Saturday saw liquids and only liquids. Sunday started getting better. And now today I'm eating almost normal food once more. Great.

Only problem is somewhere on Saturday night I developed dizziness. And that's lasting. And miserable. Did I mention I bit into a canker sore twice Sunday night? Oh, and that both the BF and a friend from out of town were here for the weekend?

Just waiting for recovery. Ugh. Sometimes the body's a pretty miserable temple.

Updated my LJ to suit the new icon. This one's done by Redic, so thumbs up to him. Poor HMO's religated to the days I feel like modifying the (default) entry for my icon in semagic. Hopefully you all enjoy the shinies. I'm a fucking awful interior decorator so if the colors aren't all that intelligently meshed, don't be too shocked.

So in eating a (delicious!) chicken pot pie at Claim Jumper, I believe I've found I'm allergic to mushrooms. Historically I've been fine with certain types so this isn't making a whole lot of sense yet, but eating the pie seemed to be causing asthmatic symptoms.

The other thing, though, is I completely freaked out. Anxiety was through the roof for no particularly clear reason. Stomach was a bit upset, but I've been very high-strung ALL weekend and it's kinda making me a wreck. Which means I really do need some help. Even now, every little thing that's affecting me is causing me worry, when I know damn well I'm fine. And the worst part is there IS the possibility I'm not fine. But in that scenario, the anxiety masks the problem so I don't even know what could be wrong.

I don't know when or how this problem has gotten to this level. It's absurd. It had been growing over years and now it's to a point I'm having trouble coping sometimes. I think ultimately the problem is I don't deal well with prolonged stress. Somewhere between working out and vacation I need some time for the chemical buildup of daily life to kinda work its way out. Without that, I can only imagine how bad this'll get.

Doesn't help I keep getting to bed so late either. Tah!

So where are we at?

FC '08 was pretty fun. Lots of new people, plenty of whom I couldn't be assed to give a shout to. But that's ok, I still love em! Lots of new and awesome art which may at some point be put up on some public gallery, pending public demand.

The Aruba trip was followed by a series of illnesses that seems to be winding down (here's hoping). This island virus thing was followed by a very solid upper respiratory thing that was another week gone after going to Vegas. That URI ran into the edge of FC, which afterward saw me with some sort of stomach explosion. This itself wouldn't have been an issue if 5 days later my stomach hadn't done the exact same thing. I'm still mildly concerned about it... But these days I'm feeling pretty well.

MacBook Air is an incredibly desirable product. What strikes me as most interesting about it though is the market position it occupies. Some might look at it like any other laptop and think it doesn't have the features it should, but its purpose is more as a thin client terminal system. It's designed for lightweight work on the go, something easily manageable all places at all times - an everywhere computer. That is, the purpose of the laptop here has shifted from being a mobile computer system - doing everything - to being a mobile platform - being everywhere. It's the beginning of a great shift, one whose real purpose will take a good 10-20 years to materialize and Apple is sending the message that they intend to be at the very forefront of it. Very cool.

Anyway, here's looking forward. Need to schedule appointments with the doc, the optometrist, the dentist... oi. Need to get my anxiety disorder taken care of (side note: gabe seems to have finally taken care of his). Gonna meet up with the BF for valentine's day, and I got a custom plate ordered for my car. Good times.

Soooo Aruba is finished, here's the rest of the lot:

( Thursday )

( Friday )

( Saturday )

Goooood times. It's worth noting our flight out was also heavily delayed, and went spent the night in Atlanta for it, too.

Delta just loses points all over the place for this lot. I'm still sick with major episodes of vertigo; I'm hoping it 's just a virus. If anyone else has had vertigo for an extended period of time, please let me know cause I'm kinda scared on account of not knowing exactly what this is.

A few things have happened recently. In particular, I picked up my Mini Cooper S (ordered back in September) much to the chagrin of my bank account and all associated assets. It's cute, sporty, and a stick shift so I'm still sorta learning the ropes. It does however, represent one of the classiest cars I have ever been in and I adore it in every respect. Just kinda need to get past the "Oh god, I'm gonna stall it" phase of our relationship. And I need to give it a name and a proper custom license plate!

Also, I seem to be in Aruba! Thanks primarily to my mom, we're staying in a pretty nice hotel with lovely views and, more importantly, fresh island air. Oh man. It's impossible to describe how much better I feel in a warmer climate.

So every day has been an adventure in one respect or another. Getting here we caught the front edge of a winter storm and wound up stuck in Atlanta for a night. Miserable weather all around - wet and cold. I was feeling pretty disheartened. Finally flew out the next day after a bit of delay.

( First night )

( Second day )

( Third day )

( Fourth day (today) )

So that's it so far. Here's hoping the next few days are just as awesome :D. Also here's hoping I don't pull a steve irwin and upset a deadly aquatic animal.

I should make an insightful post sometime soon. But I probably won't.

My gaming computer's on the hurts. Its RAID-array appears to be malfunctioning and as a result Vista's having quite a fit. What concerns me is not the state of affairs, more how it arrived there. There are presently five running possibilities:

a.) The RAID array really, really hates to be improperly shut down/have its power cut off and will lose data like a sieve should it happen.
b.) One of the disks in the RAID array is actually breaking down. I sure hope not - both disks are only a year old. They're western digital though, so go fig.
c.) The subwoofer is near enough to the machine as to disrupt it when music is played at high enough volume. Seriously. Magnets.
d.) The RAM is bad, and the failures to load windows/lockups/assorted other bizarreness are a result of that.
e.) The BIOS is fucked up. This is always a distinct possibility with ASUS.

Some of these are nicer than others. The RAM, for instance, I've checked and double checked with memtest86 I don't know how many times. Fairly certain that's not the culprit, but these do seem like RAM-related issues. Assuming the disks are ok (a big assumption), that leaves the BIOS, the RAID array itself, and the subwoofer; I'll be addressing all three.

But seriously, this is bull. I run the machine for nearly a year with nary a hiccup and 4 months later (with the advent of vista and a move) it's crapping all over itself.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

It's a fact.

So as a treat to myself for my birthday I got a headphone amp. This was to complement my already relatively extraneous purchase of fancy headphones. For reference, I got the AKG K701 headphones and I got a Little-Dot Littletube MKIV SE.

So here's the problem: when I got the AKG K701s, it was with the knowledge that the bass was slightly weak and most likely needed some special kick to get it into a good spot. I heard this immediately in the cans as I had nothing to drive them proper, and hoped they'd mellow out with some break-in time and a solid amp.

Well, now I have the solid amp, and what I'm learning is the cans have some kind of really solid cut-off in the lower frequencies. I'm finding it more and more upsetting.

So now I'm here. And here is I'm not sure if these cans can properly drive bass or not (I've heard they can, but no assurances). I have 30 days in which to contemplate returning the amp to china (shipping on my shoulders, natch), and it seems like it might be a good idea considering tubes are so inconsistent and what I was really looking for in this purchase was something solidly productized.

Course, the worst part of all this is I have so little ability to test anything to find out exactly what I need. I think my plan of attack will be to evaluate a pair of HD650s that I can return (just in case). If those end up being solid, sell the K701s and evaluate my amp options from there. Course, I might just get a headroom desktop amp, heed canamp or headamp gilmore lite.

Argh. All this adds up to is more money spent on crap I don't need.

Fact.

So to start off with, I should explain that I've long since hit the limit of AIM contacts (200) for my furry account. Now, this hasn't been a particular issue - more like a minor annoyance - until I switched away from Trillian to Pidgin. The reasons for this change are many, but primarily I didn't really like the direction Trillian was headed and Pidgin seemed competent in the fashions I needed it to be.

Now, one of the reasons I moved away from Trillian was its insistence on using client-side storage for list data. I much prefer leaving the server-side copies intact and correct so that if I need to switch clients or spaces I'm covered. But therein lies my current issue - where Trillian would inform me of contacts missing from the server list by marking them orphaned and keeping them on my list anyway, Pidgin silently deletes them. This thoroughly unsatisfactory result has naturally persuaded me to look into solutions.

I think what I've come up with is fair but awkward. I'll be creating a new AIM name shortly onto which all the folks I'm more loosely connected will sit. Now, this is not a very concerning change - I'll keep both accounts online and active, either will be publicly reachable so no change will be otherwise noticed, but it does mean anyone that (god forbid) added me to their permit list will need to add the secondary account as well. It also means I may be IMing from the secondary account on occasion as there's no smooth way to just use it as an online indicator.

So that's that. In other news, the Orange Box easily represents the best value in gaming right now. Portal is genius. If you've mulled over the concept and wondered to yourself how such a thing could be so heavily lauded, all you need to know is that the game is not merely its play mecanic but also its environment. It is a very well designed, enjoyable comedy-sci-fi-horror thing of sorts. And in every respect, at every turn you'll find yourself surprised at the dialog and the characters. All I have to say having concluded the game is that I want a stuffed companion cube, and I want it now.

Oh, and episode 2 was pretty good. You should play it.

Finally, I've ordered a Mini Cooper S. I actually ordered it back in September. I've always had a thing for the way minis look - how cute they are, go fig - and really ought to have done this months ago. But regardless, this is what I've set myself up for. My one complaint having looked so heavily into the mini is that certain elements feel very plasticish. Toyish, almost. So I was shopping for cars this weekend when I found a loaded 2007 4-door GTI for $26. It's a HELL of a buy. I passed it up. And I sorta regret the decision - the GTI has more space, is definitely more practical, easier to drive... But I want the mini, so I ultimately came to the realization that if I didn't get the mini, I would be forever regarding the GTI as my second choice. This means waiting till January. Alas.

I think that's about it for now. Catch ya later, cats.

I moved over the weekend. To a place about 5 minutes from where I used to live. It's bigger at least, but at the cost of stairs. Total move time was 12 hours - 4 PM to 4 AM. For all their help, I want to thank demonhusky, blackberrydrgn, and zen_migawa with a little on the side from others. Blackberry especially was an absolute trooper, sticking it out with me until the job was done. Thanks tons, everyone!